oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
she woke up with a sticky ear
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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