stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
You're like the curious george of whores
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
