Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
