It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
