we have pet lesbian snakes
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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