so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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