Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
