I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
