Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
