I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Mom said you looked used
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
