Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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