Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
