I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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