So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
