I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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