Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
