im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
