my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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