"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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