apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
