when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
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