Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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