Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
