I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
