so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
