i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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