Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
and i looked up. we had an audience...
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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