i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
