6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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