Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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