i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
