My first STD was from a foam party
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
