now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
