you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Randomize
