ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
