I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
My life is pants optional.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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