at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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