I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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