There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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