your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
