The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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