Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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