omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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