You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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