Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Dear god my vagina.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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