can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
