my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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