i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
