I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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