Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
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