the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
