Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
