life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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