i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
