Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
