theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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