The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
