I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
