Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
