Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
